Online Bullying

Here's a wonderful post on bullying sent to me by the author. http://www.needtoknowit.org/selfdefense/school-bullying
It contains practical how-to advice.

Ethics of Advertising

 

In a recent article of The Ethicist in the NYTimes (http://www.nytimes.com/2012/12/23/magazine/laptop-prop.html?ref=theethicist&_r=0) a question was raised about the ethics of laptops being positioned in front of television newscasters if they are there to convey the impression of being up-to-the-minute (but not for actual use). It’s an interesting example of artifactual communication being used to influence credibility.

            A second part of the question concerned the ethics of displaying the computer company logo. Is this advertising (product placement), the writer asked, ethical for a news show? In the answer to this question Chuck Klosterman, the ethicist, says that the display of a logo or the mention of a particular designer’s name does not constitute advertisement if there is no payment and if the person has no intention of advertising. This, it seems to me, is true from only one point of view, that of the sender. The sender—the wearer of the designer’s clothes or the laptop user—may not think advertising and so one can say from that point of view that there is no advertising. But, the receiver is being influenced; to the receiver, the network user’s computer logo is an advertisement and may well influence buying behavior. This, it also seems, is one of the reasons so many designers put their name in clear view. Isn't this a distinction worth making?

 

Speech Rehearsal

Speech Rehearsal

Often we advise students to rehearse their speeches five or six times which often seems to students to be a lot. In a recent NYTimes (http://www.nytimes.com/2012/12/23/magazine/jerry-seinfeld-intends-to-die-standing-up.html) article, it noted that Seinfeld (a communication major from Queens College, btw) rehearsed his five-minute set for the Tonight Show 200 times. Now, that’s a lot.

 

New Words

Words of 2012
The New York Times annually identifies new words of the year. Invariably there are several communication terms:
Dox
Eastwooding
MOOC
Nomophobia
Sway
Unskew
Dox = an abeviated form of "documents" or "to document"
Eastwooding = talking to a chair
MOOC = an acronymn for Massive Open Online Course
Nomophobia = fear of being without a cell phone
Sway = an attitude of confidence and style
Unskew = to rework data to suit particular beliefs

Talk to Connect

 

Here is a guest post written by Leah DeCesare. Leah DeCesare is a writer and blogger (www.MothersCircle.net) writing about perspectives on parenting from a mother of three, educator and doula. She is a certified birth and postpartum doula as well as childbirth educator and Certified Lactation Counselor, serving families in Rhode Island. Leah is currently conducting the Mother’s Circle Young Women’s Birth Survey open to 18-26 year olds (https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/youngwomensbirthsurvey.) She is the Co-Founder and Co-President of Doulas of Rhode Island, a past DONA International Northeast Regional Director and she volunteers with Families First RI.

 

Meta Description:

I like to talk. I talk to connect and get closer to people. Most people like to talk. Connecting is human, talking is still our most genuine way of connecting.

I like to talk. I talk to connect and get closer to people. What I’ve realized is most people like to talk - and talk a lot. People talk. A lot. Connecting is human and talking is still our most genuine way of connecting. In a world with changing personal contact, where interactions through technology reign, talking is still a precious gift to join hearts and minds with others.

Over the years, I’ve had to grin through painful comments about my talking, sometimes disguised as jokes, other times delivered more directly. Some close friends may comment endearingly but I’ve received critical, judgmental and hurtful remarks. Yet, as rude and cutting as it feels, such frank statements make me think.

I’m open-minded and I work to be a better person each day, to challenge myself to improve in myriad ways and I take the time to self reflect. In truth, I am hyper-aware of telling a story too long or of the conversation tipping in my direction. I’m ultra sensitive to when someone has asked me so many questions that it seems I’m doing all the talking so I work to redirect the conversation toward them. I notice when I’ve gotten excited and interrupted a friend’s story, but then I apologize and return to where she left off.

I not only observe how I interact, but I also witness how those around me converse. Turns out, women, in particular, talk over one another as a routine. Watch any group of girl friends together and you’ll see it’s a usual and accepted chatting style, and somehow, everyone talks and everyone’s heard. Though, it’s also not the only way women talk together.

Equally often, we share the floor, rotating around, hearing stories, nodding, commenting, asking questions, listening more. Then another person picks up and her story has our attention and focus until it’s the next person’s turn to chime in with a tale.

One particular night after someone blithely made a comment to me about how much I talk, I swallowed and forced a polite smile, and became completely silent. I sat mute, watching, surveying, listening, contemplating. Throughout the evening, I paid attention as everyone took a turn dominating the conversation, talking “too much” and going on and on.

Every single person talked and talked at some point and not one talking-person turned to include or invite in another while she was front and center. The talker talked. It’s what we do, it how we affiliate ourselves with a group, it’s how we belong and how we bridge space and grow friends.

The truth is, I do like to talk and if I’m not talking much it’s likely that I’m not engaged enough to build a relationship. But, the truth is, I also like to listen and I’m a good listener. Listening is the other half of connecting. I welcome the words from my friends, acquaintances, and even strangers in the check out line and I care about what is going on in others’ lives.

My husband teases me because no matter where I am, people open up to me and tell me intimate details of their lives. This happens so often that it’s become unremarkable when I tell him the life story of someone I crossed paths with that day. I’ve heard all about divorces from a car mechanic complete with details of clothes thrown out the window, I’ve heard about the journey to adoption waiting for the fish guy at the supermarket, I’ve learned of a woman’s struggle with cancer while sitting in a waiting room, the drugstore clerk confided that he quit drinking and I’ve heard countless birth stories from strangers and friends alike. I listen.

In social circles, I listen. I bear witness to friends’ stories, hear their pains and celebrate their triumphs. I listen with compassion and I remember. I remember to ask a friend about a procedure scheduled for their child, how their fundraiser went or how they like their new yoga class. I remember my friends’ birthdays and the anniversary of their Dad’s death. I care deeply, I express it in touch, notes, presence and, yes, talking.

I have a funny sense in my being that feels dishonest when I don’t offer details, when I’m not explaining something fully, when I don’t share totally. It’s as if I’m in a movie where two characters meet, each having information the other needs but not telling one another. I think sometimes I talk more because it feels more honest to that quirky thing in my heart.

And sometimes, I wonder if I’m perceived as talking more than others because I talk really fast (and even faster if I have any caffeine). Or maybe it’s because I initiate dialogues, or speak with energy and animation (and maybe a little loudly). I’m bold, happy, enthusiastic and so I gush and effuse.

I’m candid, unreserved and unafraid to articulate what’s in my soul. So maybe I do talk a lot, maybe I do talk more than others, but it’s who I am. It’s how I relate, it’s how I embrace, envelop, offer, share and give. If I’m talking with you, I’m giving you a piece of myself and I’m open for receiving a piece of you, too, when you talk with me.

 

Wells Fargoadvertisement about conversation:

They can be impassioned. Funny. Enlightening. Or inspiring.

They can open doors. And build relationships.

Some can even change the world.

At Wells Fargo, we believe you should never underestimate the power of a conversation.

It’s how we learn. How we grow. And how ideas spread.

It’s at the heart of everything we do.

 

 

 

 

 

Power Strategies

Strategies for Power

Here is a discussion of the communication of power which I wrote for my 50 Communication Strategies book and that I thought might be of interest to a wide variety of readers.

 

Power is the ability of one person to influence what another person thinks or does. You have power over another person to the extent that you can influence what this person thinks or what this person does. And, conversely, another person has power over you to the extent that he or she can influence what you think or do. Perhaps the most important aspect of power to recognize is that power is asymmetrical: If one person has greater power, the other person must have less. If you are stronger than another person, then this person is weaker than you. If you are richer, then the other person must be poorer. In any one area—for example, strength or financial wealth—one person has more and, inevitably and by definition, the other person has less (is weaker or poorer).  The varied types of power are identified in the & Box, Types of Power.

 

& Types of Power   Six types of power are especially important to understand: legitimate, referent, reward, coercive, expert, and information or persuasion.    §  You hold legitimate power when others believe you have a right—by virtue of your position—to influence or control others’ behaviors. For example, as an employer, judge, manager, or police officer, you’d have legitimate power by virtue of your role. §  You have referent power when others wish to be like you. Referent power holders often are attractive, have considerable prestige, and are well liked and well respected. For example, you may have referent power over a younger brother because he wants to be like you. §  You have reward power when you control the rewards that others want. Rewards may be material (money, promotion, jewelry) or social (love, friendship, respect). For example, teachers have reward power over students because they control grades, letters of recommendation, and social approval. §  You have coercive power when you have the ability to administer punishments to or remove rewards from others if they do not do as you wish. Usually, people who have reward power also have coercive power. For example, teachers may give poor grades or withhold recommendations. But be careful: Coercive power may reduce your other power bases. It can have a negative impact when used, for example, by supervisors on subordinates in business. §  You have expert power when others see you as having expertise or special knowledge. Your expert power increases when you’re perceived as being unbiased and as having nothing personally to gain from exerting this power. For example, judges have expert power in legal matters and doctors have expert power in medical matters. §  You have information power—also called “persuasion power”—when others see you as having the ability to communicate logically and persuasively. For example, researchers and scientists may acquire information power because people perceive them as informed and critical thinkers.

 

Power can increase and decrease. Although people differ greatly in the amount of power they wield at any time and in any specific area, everyone can increase their power in some ways. You can lift weights and increase your physical power. You can learn the techniques of negotiation and increase your power in group situations. You can learn the principles of communication and increase your persuasive power. Power can also be decreased. Probably the most common way to lose power is by unsuccessfully trying to control another’s behavior. For example, the person who threatens you with punishment and then fails to carry out the threat loses power. Another way to lose power is to allow others to control you; for example, to allow others to take unfair advantage of you. When you don’t confront these power tactics of others, you lose power yourself.

Power follows the principle of less interest. The more a person needs a relationship, the less power that person has in it. The less a person needs a relationship, the greater is that person’s power. In a love relationship, for example, the person who maintains greater power is the one who would find it easier to break up the relationship. The person who is unwilling (or unable) to break up has little power, precisely because he or she is dependent on the relationship and the rewards provided by the other person.

Power generates privilege. When one person has power over another person, the person with power is generally assumed to have certain privileges, many of which are communication privileges. And the greater the power difference, the greater is the license of the more powerful individual. Sometimes we’re mindful of the privilege or license that comes with power. Most often, however, we seem to operate mindlessly, with no one questioning the power structure. For example, those with power may encroach on the territory of those with little power (a supervisor can enter the cubicle of a trainee but the trainee cannot enter the office of the supervisor—at least not without being invited or before knocking). Similarly, a supervisor may touch the arm or rearrange the collar of a subordinate, but not the other way around. The general may touch the corporal, but not the other way around. The doctor may put his or her arm on a patient, but the patient would not do that to a doctor.

Here are some strategies for communicating power nonverbally. 

 

·         Avoid adaptors. Adaptors are touching movements of the self (playing with your hair or rubbing your nose), of others (removing a speck of dust from someone’s cheek), or of objects (poking holes in the Styrofoam coffee cup). Adaptors may make you appear uncomfortable and hence without power. Avoid these especially when you wish to communicate confidence and control.

 

·         Use consistent packaging. Be especially careful that your verbal and nonverbal messages don’t contradict each other. Each will weaken the other.

 

·         Use facial expressions and gestures as appropriate. These help you express your concern for the other person as well as your comfort and control of the communication situation. Smile to show approval and that you’re enjoying yourself but avoid excessive or purposeless smiling.

 

·         Select the right chairs. When sitting, select chairs you can get in and out of easily; avoid deep plush chairs that you will sink into and will have trouble getting out of.

 

·         Shake. To communicate confidence with your handshake, exert more pressure than usual and hold the grip a bit longer than normal.

 

·         Dress conservatively. Other things being equal, dress relatively conservatively if you want to influence others; conservative clothing is usually associated with power and status. Trendy and fad clothing usually communicates a lack of power and status. And, of course, expensive clothing is more powerful than inexpensive clothing.

 

·         Walk and gesture slowly and purposefully. To appear hurried is to appear as without power, as if you were rushing to meet the expectations of another person who had power over you. Avoid gestures and movements that can appear random and without purpose. This will generally signal discomfort.

 

·         Maintain eye contact. People who maintain eye contact are judged to be more at ease and less afraid to engage in meaningful interaction than those who avoid eye contact. (Be aware, however, that in some contexts, if you use excessive or protracted direct eye contact, you may be seen as exercising coercive power. When you break eye contact, direct your gaze downward; otherwise you’ll communicate a lack of interest in the other person.

 

·         Avoid vocalized pauses. Avoid the “ers” and “ahs” that frequently punctuate conversations when you’re not quite sure of what to say next.

 

·         Maintain reasonably close distances between yourself and those with whom you interact. If the distance is too far, you may be seen as fearful or uninvolved. If the distance is too close, you may be seen as pushy or overly aggressive.

 

·         Relax. A relaxed posture communicates confidence and control—qualities of power. A tense body posture can easily signal fear and discomfort—qualities of the powerless.

 

·         Vary your speech rate, volume, and pitch as appropriate to the conversation. Be careful to avoid a monotone speaking style.

 

·         Take up your space. If you crouch in the corner of a couch, for example, you’re going to appear less powerful than if you take up your allotted space. If you take up too much space, for example, spreading your legs apart and in effect taking up two spaces, you’re likely to be seen as impolite.

 

·         Still your feet. Excessive foot movement usually signals a discomfort and hence little power.

 

Here are a few verbal strategies:

 

·         Avoid hesitations. Avoid the all too common, for example, “I er want to say that ah this one is er the best, you know?” Hesitations make you sound unprepared and uncertain.

 

·         Avoid too many intensifiers. Intensifiers are fine in moderation; overused, they are likely to decrease your power. Avoid, for example, statements like these: “Really, this was the greatest; it was truly phenomenal.” Too many intensifiers make everything sound the same and don’t allow you to intensify what should be emphasized.

 

·         Avoid disqualifiers. When you disqualify yourself you detract from your credibility and hence power. Avoid, for example, statements like “I didn’t read the entire article, but . . .” or “I didn’t actually see the accident, but. . . .” Disqualifiers signal a lack of competence and a feeling of uncertainty.

 

·         Avoid tag questions. Avoid, for example, statements such as That was a great movie, wasn’t it? She’s brilliant, don’t you think? Tag questions ask for another’s agreement and therefore may signal your need for agreement and your own uncertainty.

 

·         Avoid self-critical statements. When you criticize yourself and say, for example, “I’m not very good at this” or “This is my first interview” you’re just calling attention to your lack of power. Self-critical statements signal a lack of confidence and may make public your own inadequacies.

 

·         Avoid slang and vulgar expressions. Slang and vulgarity signal low social class and hence little power.