Apologies

Here's a brief article that fits in very well with our discussions of apologies. This one is directed at making apologies to children--a topic we don't normally discuss in our textbooks--tho' the principles seem general enough for all apologies.

Love from Austin Powers

Here's a brief article on love and romance that might be an interesting way to introduce interpersonal relationships: 10 love lessons derived from the character/behavior of Austin Powers. 

Communication Strategies: Supportiveness

Continuing with my attempt to spell out the various communication strategies, here is a little item on supportiveness--taken from my Essentials of Human Communication which has the most complete discussion of Gibb's system.
     One of the best ways to look at destructive versus productive talk is to look at how the style of your communications can create unproductive defensiveness or a productive sense of supportiveness, a system developed by Jack Gibb in the 60’s. The type of talk that generally proves destructive and sets up defensive reactions in the listener is talk that is evaluative, controlling, strategic, indifferent or neutral, superior, and certain.


Evaluation When you evaluate or judge another person or what that person has done, that person is likely to become resentful and defensive and perhaps at the same time to become equally evaluative and judgmental. In contrast, when you describe what happened or what you want, it creates no such defensiveness and is generally seen as supportive. The distinction between evaluation and description can be seen in the differences between you-messages and I-messages. You-messages are evaluative (you never reveal your feelings; you just don’t plan ahead, you never call me) whereas I-messages are more descriptive (I would like hearing how you feel about this; I need to know what our schedule for the next few days will be; I’d enjoy hearing from you more often. If you put yourself in the role of the listener hearing these statements, you probably can feel the resentment or defensiveness that the evaluative messages (you-messages) would create and the supportiveness from the descriptive messages (I-messages).

Control When you try to control the behavior of the other person, when you order the other person to do this or that, or when you make decisions without mutual discussion and agreement, defensiveness is a likely response. Control messages deny the legitimacy of the person’s contributions and in fact deny his or her importance. When, on the other hand, you focus on the problem at hand—not on controlling the situation or getting your own way—defensiveness is much less likely. This problem orientation invites mutual participation and recognizes the significance of each person’s contributions.

Strategy When you use strategy and try to get around other people or situations through manipulation—especially when you conceal your true purposes—others are likely to resent it and to respond defensively. But when you act openly and with spontaneity, you’re more likely to create an atmosphere that is equal and honest.

Neutrality When you demonstrate neutrality—in the sense of indifference or a lack of caring for the other person—it’s likely to create defensiveness. Neutrality seems to show a lack of empathy or interest in the thoughts and feelings of the other person; it is especially damaging when intimates are in conflict. This kind of talk says, in effect, “You’re not important or deserving of attention and caring.” When, on the other hand, you demonstrate empathy, defensiveness is unlikely to occur. Although it can be especially difficult in conflict situations, try to show that you can understand what the other person is going through and that you accept these feelings.

Superiority When you present yourself as superior to the other person, you put the other person in an inferior position, and this is likely to be resented. Such superiority messages say in effect that the other person is inadequate or somehow second class. A superior attitude is a violation of the implicit equality contract that people in a close relationship have. The other person may then begin to attack your superiority; the conflict can quickly degenerate into a conflict over who’s the boss, with personal attacks being the mode of interaction.

Certainty The person who appears to know it all is likely to be resented, so certainty often sets up a defensive climate. After all, there is little room for negotiation or mutual problem solving when one person already has the answer. An attitude of provisionalism—“Let’s explore this issue together and try to find a solution”—is likely to be much more productive than closed-mindedness.

To summarize, the following are suggestions for fostering supportiveness rather than defensiveness:

·         Talk descriptively rather than evaluatively.

·         Focus on the problem rather than on personalities.

·         Act and react honestly and spontaneously, rather than strategically.

·         Empathize with the other person.

·         Approach the conflict resolution process as an equal and treat the other person as an equal.

·         Be provisional; suggest rather than demand.

·          

Conflict Issues

Here's a clever little article on what couples fight about. I post this because it's very different from the list academics provide. For example, the issues mentioned in most discussions of interpersonal conflict (in textbooks at least) are: goals to be pursued, allocation of resources, decisions to be made, and behaviors considered inappropriate. From another study: intimacy issues, power issues, personal flaws, personal distance, social issues, and distrust.

Communication and Success

Here's an excellent brief article on 15 characteristics that help make for success. Naturally, one is on communication which I quote:

Whether you call it communication, teamwork, or interpersonal skills, this trait is often an essential component in what separates those who are successful from those who are less so. To get what you want, you need to be able to communicate your goals and ideas to others. Good communication skills will make you better able to negotiate, sell your best attributes, and form lasting relationships that can help you build a better career. Of course, communication isn't just about talking. It's also about listening and keeping your ears open to new ideas and potential problems.

     This site also has some interesting links relevant to communication effectiveness, quotations about communication, the art of conversation, and more.

Blogs for Communication Majors

Here's an excellent collection of 50 blogs that will prove valuable for communication majors or for anyone interested in communication. I can see this type of thing being used in a public speaking course--each student would select one blog and report on it in a simple informative speech. It would take off the pressure which often comes with the frequently-used first speech "to introduce yourself". And it would serve to introduce students to the wide-world that is communication.

Communication Strategies: Empathy

In this continuing effort to identify and explain (briefly and practically) the skills/strategies of interpersonal communication, here is a brief discussion of empathy.

    Empathy is feeling what another person feels from that person’s point of view without losing your own identity. Empathy enables you to understand emotionally what another person is experiencing. (To sympathize, in contrast, is to feel for the person—to feel sorry or happy for the person, for example.) Women, research shows, are perceived as more empathic and engage in more empathic communication than do men. So following these suggestions may come more easily to women.

 Empathy is best expressed in two distinct parts: thinking empathy and feeling empathy. In thinking empathy you express an understanding of what the other person means. For example, when you paraphrase someone’s comment, showing that you understand the meaning the person is trying to communicate, you’re communicating thinking empathy. The second part is feeling empathy; here you express your feeling of what the other person is feeling. You demonstrate a similarity between what you’re feeling and what the other person is feeling. Often you’ll respond with both thinking and feeling empathy in the same brief response; for example, when a friend tells you of problems at home, you may respond by saying, for example, “Your problems at home do seem to be getting worse. I can imagine how you feel so angry at times.”

Here are a few more specific suggestions to help you communicate both your feeling and your thinking empathy more effectively:

<  Be Clear. Make it clear that you’re trying to understand, not to evaluate, judge, or criticize.

<  Focus. Maintain eye contact, an attentive posture, and physical closeness to focus your concentration. Express involvement through facial expressions and gestures.

<  Reflect. In order to check the accuracy of your perceptions and to show your commitment to understanding the speaker, r eflect back to the speaker the feelings that you think are being expressed. Offer tentative statements about what you think the person is feeling; for example, “You seem really angry with your father” or “I hear some doubt in your voice.”

<  Disclose. When appropriate, use your own self-disclosures to communicate your understanding; but be careful that you don’t refocus the discussion on yourself.

<  Address mixed messages. At times you may want to identify and address any mixed messages that the person is sending as a way to foster more open and honest communication. For example, if your friend verbally expresses contentment but shows nonverbal signs of depression, it may be prudent to question the possible discrepancy.

< Acknowledge importance. Make it clear that you understand the depth of a person’s feelings.

Acronyms

Here's a brief article recommended to me by the publishers. It's clever. I think another problem that acronyms may create is that when a person raised on acronyms reads a textbook (or novel or magazine article or newspaper) that doesn't talk in acronyms (and most don't), it's going to seem unreal, to some degree. And perhaps overly long winded. There's a cultural divide here. The alternative, BTW, is to go with the flow and start writing our textbooks with popular acronyms, though, as I write this, I can hear editors cringing! OMG!