Saying "I love you" online

Here is a brief article on saying "I love you" online. It looks like it will make an interesting discussion starter for relationship development and commitment.
http://www.internetproviders.net/blog/2012/10-ways-to-broadcast-your-love-online/

Politeness as an Interpersonal Relationship Theory

This brief discussion of politeness as an interpersonal relationship theory comes from my Interpersonal Communication Book but I thought that those using Interpersonal Messages or Essentials of Human Communication might also find this relevant. 

Another approach to relationships looks at politeness as a major force in developing, maintaining, and deteriorating relationships. Politeness theory would go something like this: Two people develop a relationship when each respects, contributes to, and acknowledges the positive and negative face needs of the other and it deteriorates when they don't.

Positive face is the need to be thought of highly, to be valued, to be esteemed. In more communication terms, respect for positive face entails the exchange of compliments, praise, and general positivity. Negative face is the need to be autonomous, to be in control of one's own behavior, to not be obligated to do something. In more communication terms, respect for negative face entails the exchange of permission requests (rather than demands), messages indicating that a person's time is valuable and respected, and few if any imposed obligations. It would also entail providing the other person an easy "way out" when a request is made.

Relationships develop when these needs are met. Relationships will be maintained when the rules of politeness are maintained. And relationships will deteriorate when the rules of politeness are bent, violated too often, or ignored completely. Relationship repair will be accomplished by a process of reinstituting the rules of politeness.

Politeness, of course, is not the entire story; it's just a piece. It won't explain all the reasons for relationship development or deterioration but it explains a part of the process. It won't explain, for example, why so many people stay in abusive and unsatisfying relationships. Its major weakness seems to be that politeness needs for specific individuals are difficult to identify--what is politeness to one person, may be perceived as rude or insensitive to another.

And, perhaps not surprisingly, politeness seems to be relaxed as the relationship becomes more intimate. As the relationship becomes more intimate and long-lasting, there is greater license to violate the normal rules of politeness. This may well be a mistake, at least in certain relationships.  Our needs for positive and negative face do not go away when a relationship becomes more intimate; they're still there. If the definitions of politeness are themselves relaxed by the individuals, then there seems little problem. There is a problem when the definitions--relaxed or original--are not shared by the individuals; when one assumes the acceptability of something generally considered impolite as o.k. while the other does not.

When people in relationships complain that they are not respected, are not valued as they used to be when they were dating, and that their relationship is not romantic, they may well be talking about politeness. And so, on the more positive side, this approach offers very concrete suggestions for developing, maintaining, and repairing interpersonal relationships, namely: increase politeness by contributing to the positive and negative face needs of the other person.

How to be Liked at Work

Like all cultures, workplace cultures have their own rituals, norms, and rules for communicating. These rules, whether in an interview situation or in a friendly conversation, delineate appropriate and inappropriate verbal and nonverbal behavior, specify rewards (or punishments for breaking the rules), and tell you what will help you get and keep a job and what won’t. For example, the general advice given throughout this text is to emphasize your positive qualities, to highlight your abilities, and to minimize any negative characteristics or failings. But in some organizations—especially within collectivist cultures such as those of China, Korea, and Japan—workers are expected to show modesty (Copeland & Griggs, 1985). If you stress your own competencies too much, you may be seen as arrogant, brash, and unfit to work in an organization where teamwork and cooperation are emphasized. Here are just a few of the ways to be liked at work which, as you’ll see, are essentially rules for communicating.

Whether in a job interview, in the early days on a new job, or in meeting new colleagues, first impressions are especially important—because they’re so long lasting and so powerful in influencing future impressions and interactions. Here are a few guidelines that will help you make a good first impression and should increase your likeability on the job.

1.      Look the Part Dress appropriately; even “casual Fridays” have dress codes. Any drastic deviation from the standard dress for your position may communicate that you don’t fit in.

2.      Be Positive Express positive attitudes toward the organization, the job, and your colleagues. Avoid negative talk and sarcasm (even in humor).

3.      Be Culturally Sensitive Avoid stereotyping and talk that might be considered racist, heterosexist, ageist, or sexist. You’re sure to offend someone with any of these -isms.

4.      Be Respectful and Friendly Be respectful of other people’s time or personal quirks. Ask if this is a good time to talk. At the same time, be available, helpful, and cooperative as appropriate.

5.      Be Interested Focus attention on the other person. Express interest in who the person is and what he or she says and does. Maintain eye contact, a pleasant facial expression, an open posture, and relatively close proximity. Be a good listener.

Politeness in the Workplace: Self-Test

I originally created this self-test on politeness for the revision of Interpersonal Messages but later decided to use a more general (and shorter) self-test for politeness. But, I thought this one might be of use as well, especially for those who want to focus on the workplace.

Test Yourself

How Polite Are You at Work?

Here is a list of statements that refer to polite behavior with special application to the workplace. Indicate the degree to which each statement reflects your own behavior, using the following scale: (1) always, (2) sometimes, (3) about half and half, (4) seldom, and (5) never.

_____ 1.                    I listen attentively to those I supervise, my peers, and my managers.

_____ 2.                    I avoid imposing on others.

_____ 3.                    I compliment others.

_____ 4.                    I avoid strong cologne or other smells that may prove offensive to others.

_____ 5.                    I avoid even the suggestion of sexual harassment.

_____ 6.                    I avoid any suggestion of bullying.

_____ 7.                    I willingly mentor those less experienced than I.

_____ 8.                    I help others in their networking.

_____ 9.                    I avoid language that may prove offensive.

_____ 10.                I avoid bragging and tooting my own horn and act with appropriate modesty.

_____ 11.                I ask questions that show my interest but avoid those that may appear intrusive.

_____ 12.                I contribute readily to groups and teams.

_____ 13.                I express positive attitudes toward others.

_____ 14.                I avoid negative gossip.

_____ 15.                I talk on my phone and in conversations so as not to disturb nearby workers.

_____ 16.                I avoid giving advice unless it’s genuinely desired and then am constructive.

_____ 17.                I am prepared for meetings.

_____ 18.                I am on time for meetings and appointments.

_____ 19.                I share any praise for my accomplishments with others.

_____ 20.                I use appropriate communication channels.

_____ 21.                I avoid spam and information overload.

_____ 22.                I express appreciation when others give me feedback.

_____ 23.                I dress appropriately in terms of organizational norms.

_____ 24.                I respect office property.

_____ 25.                I avoid stereotyping in my workplace communication.

How did you do? As you can see these characteristics of politeness are also the characteristics of effective workplace communication. Add up your scores; they should total between 25 (indicating extreme politeness) and 125 (indicating extreme impoliteness).

What will you do? Consider if any of the behaviors that you rate 3, 4, or 5 are creating problems for you. If so, how might you go about changing your behavior?

Moving in Together

http://www.bestdatingsites.org/blog/2012/10-ways-to-test-drive-moving-in-together/
Here's an interesting list of suggestions for moving in together. This fits in well with our text discussions of relationship development but it's something none of the textbooks touch on.

Interaction Management

The term interaction management has been used in a variety of studies on interpersonal communication and refers to the techniques and strategies by which you regulate and carry on interpersonal interactions. It is certainly one of the essential interpersonal skills. Effective interaction management results in an interaction that’s satisfying to both parties. Neither person feels ignored or that he or she must carry on the entire conversation; each contributes to, benefits from, and enjoys the interpersonal exchange.

Of course, all interpersonal communication theory, research, and skills are devoted to the effective management of interpersonal interactions. Here, however, are three specific suggestions:

<  Maintain your role as speaker or listener and pass the opportunity to speak back and forth—through appropriate eye movements, vocal expressions, and body and facial gestures. This will show that you’re in control of and comfortable in the interaction.

<  Keep the conversation fluent, avoiding long and awkward pauses. Powerful people always have something to say. For example, it’s been found that patients are less satisfied with their interaction with their doctor when the silences between their comments and the doctor’s responses are overly long.

<  Communicate with verbal and nonverbal messages that are consistent and reinforce each other. Avoid sending mixed messages or contradictory signals—for example, a nonverbal message that contradicts the verbal message. These will signal indecision and hence a lack of power.

Politeness for Kids


Here's a brief list of reasons for children to say "thank you" and is a useful primer on teaching politeness behavior to children.

Dating Cautions

http://www.topdatingsites.com/blog/2012/10-signs-that-someone-will-say-anything-to-date-you/

Here's a clever little piece on cautions to observe when a potential dating partner seems too perfect to be real.

Falling out of Love

Here's an interesting article on relationship dissolution which should spark lots of class discussion especially on Valentine's Day.
http://www.bestdatingsites.org/blog/2012/10-tips-for-falling-out-of-love-with-someone/

Equality

Here is a brief discussion of equality as a communication strategy to add to those already posted.

In interpersonal communication the term equalityrefers to an attitude or approach that treats each person as an important and vital contributor to the interaction. In any situation, of course, there will be some inequality; one person will be higher in the organizational hierarchy, more knowledgeable, or more interpersonally effective. But despite this fact, an attitude of superiority is to be avoided. Interpersonal communication is generally more effective when it takes place in an atmosphere of equality.

Here are a few suggestions for communicating equality in all interactions, and especially in those involving conflict.

<  Avoid “should” and “ought” statements (for example, “You really should call your mother more often” or “You should learn to speak up”). These statements put the listener in a one-down position.

<  Make requests (especially courteous ones) and avoid demands (especially discourteous ones).

<  Avoid interrupting; this signals an unequal relationship and implies that what you have to say is more important than what the other person is saying.

<  Acknowledge the other person’s contributions before expressing your own. Saying “I see,” “I understand,” or “That’s right” lets the other person know you’re listening and understanding.

<  Recognize that different cultures treat equality very differently. In low-power-distance cultures there is greater equality than in high-power-distance cultures, in which status differences greatly influence interpersonal interactions.

Politeness

http://www.babysitters.net/blog/10-ways-to-teach-kids-common-courtesy/

Here's a great list of ways to teach basic politeness to kids. In many ways, these are common communication principles and will fit in well with the emphasis on politeness.

Communication Currents

http://www.natcom.org/commcurrentsissue.aspx
The new issue of Communication Currents is out. This is a publication of the National Communication Association and is addressed to the general public--its subtitle is: Knowledge for Communicating Well.  Edited by Katherine Hawkins, the current issue contains articles on long distance relationships, small talk, communciation and success, and free speech. Take a look; I think you'll be pleased.